Friday, July 25, 2008

The long ass note i posted on facebook.

I want to start off by telling you guys I’m crying and listening to “I get by with a little help from my friends” and yeah, the across the universe version because that’s how I role. These last 3 years have been the most confusing of my life. This has all been building up since grade 8. I had these friends I loved and a boyfriend but I wasn’t happy at all. I had to like, make all these friends far away and into weird hobbies to just get away from it all. I never made such a big deal of it in grade 8 because I may be a spoiled brat, but my friends and the people around me mean more to me then anything in the world to me. Maybe that’s why I don’t fit in, in Burlington. Everyone just seems so.. I don’t know, like they think they have to live in a show like the hills. Everythings for entertainment, I just wanna love people. The school I went to for in grade 8 didn’t help either, my “friends” there really only cared about grades. It was bad, they couldn’t outcast me as part of the slut group because I couldn’t stand to be near them and I couldn’t fit in the smart, my mother loves me and I stay home all my life group because well, I’m rebellious. I loved my friends terriably but there reluctancy to hang out after school or make plans for anything always gave me the horrible feeling that, once we weren’t in school together they wouldn’t bother with me in
there life. Yeah, I was right. Most of my pain and frustration I let out in my fights with Marc. Thank god he distracted me from so much. By grade 8, I also started loosing the guy who was my best friend.. the guy I considered my brother.. I wish I didn’t let things go so easily. I should have known from the second time I tried to hang out with him, he and my “best friend” lied and said they were both at there cousins because they didn’t want me coming. He turned out just like my friends at school did, once they weren’t near me they didn’t bother with me. When I met him I thought I finally had a true friend, one I would have forever. It’s only gotten worse each year.
Then my life just completely fell apart.. My best friend stopped talking to me and my boyfriend left me too. At that point, I had nothing left in Burlington. Not only that but I had to start highschool all alone. Since everything fell apart, I decided to take that summer and go after my dreams. I joined cheerleading and recorded my first demo. This was all the kids in highschool needed to find a reason to hate me. I cant say I regret it though. Who’s to say I would have bothered if my life hadn’t fallen apart? Things were pretty fucked up by the end of the summer and that’s when I met cody. That… killed me. I entered high school and became friends with the “alternative kids” the ones that were pretty behind the scenes I guess you could say. I loved them, but they just weren’t there for me and I needed them to be so, so bad. I felt so lonely and worthless I would just always give into cody and convince myself I needed him.. all friggen year. After a year of getting spit on, seeing my ex-best friend make fun of me and breaking down in hallways and classrooms I had enough. I couldn’t go back to being lonely, scared and unappreciated by even my best friends. My “bother” didn’t care enough about me to ask if I was okay when I got kicked out of my house and my “Friend” decided to have a “LETS SHITTALK KEELY AND BE LIKE AHAHA” day. FOR NO REASON. (She got mad because I asked for her sholder to cry on because my life had fallen apart) That summer killed me. It all just got to me, I obsessed over trying to get codys acceptance. I completely stopped eating and just worked out. I spent every single night crying to a point where I would just be shaking over him, over my friends, over how It wasn’t just getting better.
I still don’t exactly know why I did but three days before school was going to start, I decided there was no way I could go back. I’m the girl who cried when my parents threw out her toothbrush in grade 3. I hate change but I couldn’t live like this anymore. I had to find true friends, I had to find true love. Like the idiot I was, I jumped into a relationship and screwed a lot up. I don’t regreat it though, people may be like wtf with me now but I got what I went for. True friends. Now I’m REALLY starting to cry. On one of the first days, I met my guardian angel. I seriously think its no cowincidence Jessica Phillips ended up at Erindale that year too. We got through the change together. This girl picked up my life. She kept me grounded and real all year, for once I had a friend I could celebrate the good things with and someone who picked me up when I was curled on a ball with mascara all over my face and ALL over my sweater from one of the worst break-ups ever. She even cleaned my mascara up in the washroom and told all the people WTFING to my crying in the hall to screw off. There was never a time she wouldn’t say I couldn’t come over and the minute she senses I need her shes just always there. I don’t get how she does it but it means the fucking world to me that she does. After about hafe a year, we met Azra. Azra just compelted me and Jess. She actually cares about me and was there when I needed her too. Having two friends that cared about me was just amazing. No matter how fucking horrible Erinalde is. Rhonda eventually became in my group of best friends. She listened to me rant everyday about getting raped by idiots and she still managed to love me. How many friends could I have called at 3 in the morning crying about a drunken IDIOT AND A STUPID STUPID MISTAKE I MADE. Only those three. Now, I’m even more blessed to have found a friend like Marie. Marie hung out with people who weren’t so fond of me all year but I always thought she was pretty cool. Somehow after school ended we became amazing friends. Now I can’t picture life without her either. She is such a sweet person and I love her to death. These four, they fucking changed my life. I’ve never been so greatfull to have friends like them around. Whatever it is, I will get through it with them because they’ve done what all my friends never did. Promise to be there for me even if it gets worse. I would do anything for them.
Coming back and spending a lot of time in Burlington has just made me realize, I don’t belong here and never will. I made the right choice. I got what I wanted and I’m so grateful for it. I’m just retardly fucking emotional because it’s so hard to accept that I can’t be happy like everyone else here and all the people I’ve lost because they just never cared. So you know what, I don’t care. Bring on the future douche-bag boyfriends, hate me for no fucking reason and call me whatever you want. I have the best fucking friends in the world even if I can’t always be with them, I know I have them. I know they think about me and I know they care. To all my best friends who have always treated me as shit and always abonded me when I needed you. Fuck you and whatever. One day, things won’t be like they are now and you’ll need someone too. Hopefully by then, you’ll have realized what a true friendship is.
Thank you so much to all of you that have helped me this year.

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