Sunday, April 27, 2008

Its four in the morning and I’m currently writing to you in a washroom. I have two reasons for this though; one being I’m throwing up and typing and the other being I somehow find washrooms calming and really that doesn’t make any sense considering the fact most of the worst moments of my life have taken place in them. I think the thing I like about washrooms is that their like a alternate universe, I can sit in the bath for hours or just fall asleep on the floor and there’s nothing to remind me of the reality of life or what I’m going to face. It’s in here I do most of my thinking, not to mention some of my school projects. Anyways, in the tradition of me coming to my parents home, I’m feeling that horrible depressed thing that makes me all dreamy, sentimental and just emotional.
After struggling for so long with these horrible feelings, I finally realized that my life has this constant theme, a theme that I constantly fear and one that I’m always facing.
It all started out in grade 7 with a heartbreaking and complex story no one who was involved with it will ever completely understand. My 12 year old ass happened to meet a 19 year old one day and the minuet we saw each other we fell in love. I mean sure, he was a bit insane but it fit with my fantasy/romantic craziness. Although at the time, I was the innocent little rich girl, I never was someone who would do anything bad and the thought of dating a 19 year old, no matter what mental level he was at was completely taboo. After our romantic day of meeting, all I could think about was how I wanted to see him again, how I missed him. I counted every day until I was able to see him again and that was two months later. Of course we spent a romantically awkward weekend together, a weekend where I met two girls who are now part of my best friends. Together we were in an amazing fantasy world but when that weekend ended I had to go back to the harshness of reality and time without him. It just hurt to much and instead of being emo and suicidal like him, my way to take it out was to build another life, one that was normal. I did completely that and I loved it. I had the preteen life anyone would kill for with now a normal boyfriend and people over constantly. For some reason this wasn’t enough for me though and usually by 9 at night I would be back on the computer in the other life I lived. That stupid one full of tragedy and romance, the one I had to hide from most of my best friends and mom. So two years of writing songs and crying about how I wished I was older, how I wished I only have one life and how I wished I could just be part of a different world where this could have been okay went by. Once my “real” life fell apart, I thought “Yay! I can try living my other life and not worry anymore and since I’m starting highschool and I’m older this can actsaully work!”. About a month later that life fell completely apart too. Let me just say, its werid when after two years of someone fighting for your love, saying they’ll always be there and when they get it completely throwing it out the window it SUCKS. I guess I was just a Lolita version of Anne Boleyn!
After two years of tragedy and the best times of my life, I met the next painful chapter of my life which if you read this blog you all know about. I nearly killed myself every night for more then a year over a boy that was far away and just didn’t care. The way he talked made me dream of the perfect romance and life I wanted. I thought he understood how I felt with everything but if that was true then he would have had to been a monster to put me through what he did (he is!!). Repetitively, a year went by of me crying about how I’d do anything to be with him everyday, how I wish I didn’t have to be born knowing I got to try and be a singer and a unbelievable amount of crap. For hours I would just cry in the bath thinking of what life would be like if we were together. With both, I wanted it more then anything and still could want it but truthfully I don’t think I would have fit into either world.

Which brings me to now. I’m always exposed to some other life somewhere and I’ll want it more then anything! It hurts so much Ill try being normal, date a normal guy any girl (but me) would want and make all these fun friends. But its never enough and probly never will be because wherever I am, I’m thinking of that other world I want to be in. Its always in these “other worlds” that I have the best times of my life. Its always then that I have the moments that keep me going. So how do I get over this when everything I’ve tried only makes me want to be in that other world that much more? I mean lately I honestly do feel so much better about life but at the same time it really hurts knowing I cant be truly happy like this. I cant say I want my current “other life” to go away but I fully acknowledge the fact that even if things magically “happened” it would not be a happy, easy world either.
So maybe try taking this as a lesson, the more “worlds” you get yourself into, the more pain your going to feel.

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