Wednesday, March 12, 2008

This may possibly be the weridest post i ever write, whatever happenens next could make everything truly perfect or well.. ruin everything.
I made the biggest mistake of my life but at the same time I guess it was something that was meant to happen.. as for why its really confusing.
So the whole perfect trip with my friends and boyfriend went just.. not anything like i had expected. Friday i started getting really like emoitonally shaky, I dont even know what the hell was bugging me AT ALL. It was completly fked, and i ended up crying in the washroom at dinner for no reason. I just felt like adrian (the boyfriend) didnt know how like lonely and fked i felt and how much i just wanted to like hug him or something. It was completly fked. I honestly have NO idea what i was thinking or like anything. So basically after that tbe evil demon princess of depressed hell sometimes known as "Keely's freya version" came out and possessed me into ABSOULTE HELL. Friday night though, was absoultly amazing. I went to bed in like another world all happy and glowy and love sick and stupid. Then saturday morning i got possessed again when adrian and kevin came home and i really dont even know! Then adrian wouldnt talk to me for hours and i had NO CLUE what to do AT ALL and then like after hours of hell he said he did that becuase i didnt know what it felt like to not know what was wrong becuase i couldnt tell him what was wrong. BUT WHEN I LOOK BACK I STILL DONT KNOW WHY! I mean im just insecure or something i guess? I just want to much love or something. Im like the chick from black snake moan, just.. i hope it doesnt take Samuel L Jackson chaning me to his damn house to make me better... Sadly, after he said that things didnt seem to get that much better. I guess the guys were just to tired and i shouldnt have continued to be possesed but sadly i did and it let to me cutting myself in the washroom when adrian just dissapeard downtstairs. (Hi, My names keely and i have a rejection problem)) Then things were kinda okay and we were cuddeling and i was thinking about how much i love him and then he just kinda was like OKAY IM GOING TO SLEEP! and like i only heard him say goodbye to kevin when i exploded and ran into the washroom crying HARDCORE. I was so fked, so scared and in so my pain i grabbed the razor and REALLY screwed my arm up.. Something i terrably regreat.
Somehow they all found out and adrian came downstairs and hugged me goodnight
And that was when everything changed
i woke up to adrian not talking to me and now im really not sure if anything will ever be the same again.
Somehow though, i think for some reason this could be good because atleast now he really knows im not just that happy, bubbly, princess and if he can stay with me.. through this then he really is different from all the guys iv ever met.
I just hope more then anything in the world he will...

The fact though, that iv never been in a realtionship that wasnt completly fked and felling like shit never led me to think of the consiquences of what doing what i did would do. I never thought they'd find out and i deffinatly never thought in a million years adrian would react the way he did. The people who found out before really have never cared or been worried, with him things were so different.. Even my mom only got mad at me becuae of what people would think of her when they saw it. (great thing to encourage your daughter to stop isnt it?) I feel like such a terriable person, with him in my life now.. it was just a horrible horrible selfish thing to do i never would have done if i knew it would hurt him like that..
I wish so bad that things didnt have to come to that...
But im not letting myself fall into that world again.. i can't...
I really did learn a lesson, sadly i cant even try to explain to the extent of how badly it hurts emoitonally now and how much i know this is something i have to change.
..My only hope though, i guess is getting help and telling adrian i got it and that i love him and am so sorry. I just wish there was a way for him to know how bad i feel... i mean its just so emebressing i dont want to talk about it with him but i cant let him think i dont care...
i love him.
And im going to change for him.
I just got home and told my mom i NEED to go to theropy which led into a big fight
stupid bitch wont pay, urgh.
Whatever.. ill have to find another way to get help then..
i love my baby... i do..
just can anything i do let him realise i really am a happy, bubbly person who loves him and would do anything for him and just wants to make the world happier
or am i completly fucked.
Well atleast i dont have a cell phone so if he does decide im not worth it i wont find out..
Shut up, i realize theres still msn.

PRAY FOR ME
HONESTLY FKING PRAY FOR ME BECUASE THIS GUY IS MY ONLY HOPE AT LIFE RIGHT NOW.
I LOVE YOU GUYS AND NEVER BE THE IDIOT I WAS LAST NIGHT OKAY? YOULL LOOSE THE ONE YOU FKING LOVE IF U DO!

THAT AND FK HORMONES, PMSING LITERLY BROUGHT THIS ON
AND IM IN A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MOOD BECUASE OF IT
I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY BABYS ARMS AND HEAR HE LOVES ME KAY THANKS! HELP.

1 comment:

stephanie h said...

Ohh Keely if i could somehow give you a virtual hug!!
It's so great that your willing to get therapy thats a really good thing.
I'm starting to understand how much you love this boy and I hope things only get better!
love youuuu