Friday, December 7, 2007

Asshole stole my heart forever, its true

Yesterday, I realized I truly am just waiting for the guy i love to well, love me again. It's insane. To be honest iv been waiting for the past 3 months too, when he said he wanted to get back together with me I was going to jump into his arms... only I just needed to hear him say he'd come try and see me.. and he wouldn't. It hurt so much i focused all my hurt in the forum of love for someone else. I used to cry EVERY night with this guy just thinking how he would NEVER be asshole. It really really sucked. One day we were watching little miss sunshine and the guy looked like asshole and i literately had to go into the washroom and bawl my eyes out and demand we change the movie. I know that, no matter what I'm always going to love him. If you followed my blog at all then you'll know how much hes hurt me. Not that I really could even begin to explain. When i met him, i knew he would change my life forever before we even spoke. I cant explain it and I dont really understand it either. Were perfect for each other in the most unperfect ways. We want the same thing in life though and it hurts us both.

It was funny though, I spent literately every night this summer lying on the floor singing to myself and crying over him. Over the pain he just kept causing me. Being with him, without or just him giving me hope. I tried so hard to get away from it by living in another world but last night i layed on the floor, sung to myself and cried but with a smile. I was happy i realized he really truly is the guy I'm in love with and the guy I'll well always be in love with. Its horrible though, i'v just completely given in. I actsaully printed a picture out of us that i keep in the back of my wallet secretly. He has a girlfriend now though... I just think if he really felt the same like he always said he did then when its done maybe he'll think of me too? Maybe? I mean.. if hes my big then he just has to go through her like Natasha and then realize we ARE meant to be together because we ARE amazing. WHY ARE WE FIGHTING IT! Its funny though, his favorite band is now my favorite band too, the scary thing is though the songs on there albums. there seriously about us. All the lyrics, they just describe the way we feel about each other and how we make it so hard. You think we could learn from our mistakes and just be able to be happy? It may be a EXTREMELY hard road but I'm sure we could be happy one day together, really really amazingly happy. I thought i could be happy without him but now i just see how fake everything was and unamazing without him. I'd rather fight for him then just have normal love.

The one sane thread left in me though makes me wonder, what if he really did make all the other girls feel this special. The day after he sent me that email and we got into that fight he went after his other ex girlfriend too..
Honestly.. am i just hopeless... or is asshole really the price charming i wont ever quite be abel to convince myself hes not?

Well, whatever happens.. even if he doesn't talk to me ever again i really hope hes happy.. i really really do.

No comments: