What we wish we had or the perfect version of your life I’v realized never has worked for me. I’v been stuck on asshole for what seems like forever and in an attempt to find “the perfect guy for my life” lately iv been looking everywhere. So ironically when I go looking for asshole and find Mr. Right its just not so..right anymore? This weekend at A’s trailer I managed to find the cutest, sweetest guy ever! And he even went to my school. (Go figure I decided to switch? F@#$ THAT.) Its just not fair. Anyways Saturday night turned out MAGICAL for moi. I ended up in a field with A and my perfect guy and her random hookup of the night and it ended with me making out with Mr. perfect in the middle of a random field. Urgh and about my whole switching schools thing? I cant even meet with the other school until Thursday so until then im schooless and bored and even when I meet with them ill most likely be schooless. I want to go back to my old school and see mr.perfect SOO bad but I realise the chances of him going out with me are really slim espically with the rep I have at my school. Last year was the worst year of my life, I just don’t want to go back to that and I shouldn’t take that chance just because theres a guy I could possibly date for a month tops. But god he was amazing.
So You know hooking up with a random guy was magical and all and so typically expect when your with A. (Gotta love the girl) But lets face it, your not reading this to know I found a cute Abercrombie wearing guy your reading this to find out just how much asshole hurt me.
My mom admiringly screamed “YOUR NOT WEARING THAT TO A TRAILER PARK!” to most of my outfits so I was forced to bring only select casually hot outfits. Okay so I ended up in a bikini and shorts mostly but whatever! I looked pretty good on Saturday and had some wicked outfits!! Before meeting mr perfect and A’s hookup though asshole passed right by us with a group of nasty wannabe looser girls, one of them being A’s ex best friend. They need a lesson on how to be classy and i’m not even starting with there wardrobe options! Emo doesn’t get the boys sweeties. But whatever i’m not one to bitch at girls. So I was just a little bit more then pissed off he didn’t say hi, he just evilly stared at me when on msn he told how much had “jump on me” if he ever saw me there. This guy has less self confidence then a 700 pound single teenage mother. He would NEVER be able to make a move on a girl let alone me! But for some reason the sight of him didn’t really take my breath away like I thought it was. And I didn’t expect it to because of his looks. The first thing my girls said to me when they saw him? EW K WTF HES SO UGLY!!
So after that was when we met up with the guys, The first thing A’s hookup J said was, “Werent you the girl that went out with asshole?”. My response “Who the hell are you and how do you know me?!”
Apparently everyone calls me Barbie there, I take this as a huge compliment as Barbie’s the girl everyone wants to be and be with. The girls may mean it as a insult but hell the guys don’t! So anyways, within the next two minuet I asked mr. Perfect where he lived and when he said my town I was shocked!! I thought everyone there was from A’s town and then when I found out he went to the high school I went to last year I was like WOAHH WHAT THE HELL! When we got to the end of the street I was looking really upset thinking of how I knew this weekend wasn’t going to end up like I thought it would and Mr.Perfect was like “Hey are you alright there?” My heart stopped I went through a YEAR of asshole and never once did he ever say that. This was one of the first things Mr. Perfect said to me! I kinda brushed the thought off but within the next minuet we were at the back of the park where the basketball course was. I sat down on the cement kinda bummed out and scared id run into asshole but then when we got up Mr. Perfect offered me his hand and that was when I allowed myself to think, Oh my god maybe he likes me? Okay I tried to avoid this but i better spill it out now, the boys were a tad bit drunk. It doesnt mean im hopeless though does it?!?
So there we were walking into the middle of a field with A, her boy of the night J, mr perfect, moi and some really fked up crazy 21 year old druggie . We had to stomp through this hugeee field with grass as tall as us so A asked for a piggyback from J. Then Mr. Perfect offered me one and I was like AW OMG. So after a minuet I felt like I was killing him (that and the fact I almost smashed the cooler bottle into his head multiple times) And because I was like stumbling all over the place that day since the moment I woke up he put his arm around my waist and helped me through the horrible field!! So at this point i’m thinking. OMG.
When we reached the part of the forest we were going to J and the Crazy Druggie were going to do pott and A tagged along with her boy. Then Mr.Perfect told me he didn’t smoke because he plays football *god I love being a cheerleader* and we wondered off into the field. We were like running and I fell into a ditch a couple of times and for some reason we thought we saw a patch of grass in the dark and were trying to go there. It turned out to be more of a field lmao. Eventually we just stopped when he said “Do I get a kiss for that?” So I was like yeah and by the third time he asked we ended up laying down in a field making out!!
I swear to god iv been boy deprived for WAYY to long. AND HE WAS SO CUTE!!
We ended up just making out watching the stars, it was probly the most random amazing romantic night of my life I wish and hope to god it meant something even though he was drunk so I know it didn’t count at all. At the end of the day i’m just the hot blonde princess he hooked up with. Urgh life sucks. But i’m so glad I went to bed smiling my ass off that night, and stayed up all night thinking about him! I thought nothing would be abel to keep my mind off asshole in that situation but wow,. He did it! We ended up back at his trailer that night watching tv and making out :P God I had no idea how much I missed that!!
A had a equally as crazy night with her hooking up with J just she’s lucky because it meant nothing, she’s got a guy named E at home who she’s crazily in love with. The not officially dating and I can tell it gets to her and I feel so bad there not dating but I can see why she’s trying to avoid the, so what’s going on with us? Convo. I wouldn’t bring it up either.
The next day we woke up early, or rather stopped thinking about Mr.perfect because I slept like 10 minuets that night and one of the first things I realized was that what happened with asshole was a dream I had a couple weeks ago and I was totally freaked out!! A, her sister J and her sisters friend S all were telling me I needed to have a confrontation with him and were looking for him all weekend to bitch him out. Iv tired multiple times to tell him id never talk to him again in emails and it just never worked I needed to say goodbye for real this time, I needed to stop having hope and see how much of a looser he really was.
We went to the beach that day where me and A spent the day laying down giggling about our random adventure from the night before and wondering what this year would turn out like. A seemed kinda distant at a lot of points this weekend so I felt really bad I just wanted to give her the worlds biggest hug and make her feel better but we all get like that at times. I just kept telling myself she’s one of your best friends don’t worry she still loves you she has to!
When we got back A’s sister J had had it and went to Assholes trailer to bitch the dude out. He wasn’t home.
So there we were in the car almost out of the trailer park when HE PASSED US ON HIS FLIPPING BIKE. I screamed and ducked and wanted to cry and kill him all at the same time. God this is so typical of him! He never just doesn’t show up he always just leaves me SOME kind of hope. So A’s extremely understanding mom literally turned the car around and chased him down where we all got out of the car to bitch him out.
So they brought him over to me where I was hiding in the shower because go figure, I looked like SHIT for the first time that weekend after ALL that effort. But it wasn’t just that it was Iv said SO many things to this boy in emails. He knows exactly how much he hurt me and how much he continues to and has never once cared. So it wasn’t I didn’t have the guts to say anything it was what more was there left to say ? So when they dragged me out after I fell and hid and screamed all I could really say was “why didn’t you say hi?”
His reply? “I didn’t know I was supposed”
“You told me on msn you’d do more then that” I barked back.
He just replied with “ UM.. WHAT?”
Then it was just silence finally broken by J bitching him out
His reply? “I know im a asshole”
:”So what I don’t care?”
“Can I go now?”
With that, I flipped my hair back, held my head up high and supermodel walked my ass away from him, with out a word, forever.
I managed to loudly say to J but in way I doubt he heard “Thank God I found a new guy”
Where he annoyingly and loudly said “BYE KEELY”
He did NOT get a bye back.
In that car ride home, I wasn’t as sad as I thought I would be. I wasn’t nearly as sad as I was those nights he would tell me I was always going to be his princess yet he wouldn’t care about me enough to care how I feel. I wasn’t that shocked though, the nights he would tell me he couldn’t be with didn’t make me cry either because what I always needed was a answer it was the maybe that killed me. I’m so glad I was so persistent on trying to talk to him that weekend because even if I looked like a emotional wreck and really uncool what he said and the way he acted showed me that, he really didn’t care! And an answer was what I so badly needed and not something you could ever get off a a msn convo especially one with him.
What I found so ironic though was the song “Like the Angel” By rise against was the song he told me last year was the song that reminded him of me. Both of us never must have listened to the song that well though because when I was singing to to myself in the water at the beach that day I found the answer to what I should have done months ago in the lyrics.
“Your Answers Always Maybe
That’s when I got up and left”
As for not going out without a bang, I had to do it somehow so I found a way. J took a picture of a heart she made and wrote my name+asshole’s in it. I crossed it out in paint and wrote overtop I don’t care +asshole over his name visibly and tagged him and me on face book!! I totally regretted it when I woke up because I knew he would delete me on face book now but I realize its for the better because I cant have him there, ill just get to sad all the time. And the nights ill want to lurk him ill just have to do without.. I guess…god thats going to be hard.
So wish me luck guys. I really hope it is the end but it does really feel like it for one of the first times.
I guess it feels a lot better knowing in either a couple of months or years or even decacades hes going to realize exactly how much I cared for him, how much I loved him and what we could have had together he wont find anywhere else and its his loss not mine.
My heart may never walk away from him but i know enough now to be stong for myself, and all the other girls he does this to.