Lying in bed last night was tough, getting up today was too. I want so badly to be going to a school today but things just aren’t working out. My whole descion on trying to switch schools in another district and get as far away from here as possible because I just feel like I don’t belong in this town anymore idea is really putting me through hell. Which got my thinking, Do we get punished for taking a stand in our lives? Should we really just stay in the bad, waste our lives like that and merely hope it’ll get better?
I avoided the thought of switching schools until the last week but I was very strongly thinking about the idea since the end of first semester last year. I hate change and although I’ve always been one to think of switching in the past I never actually did it. My elementary school went like this
Grade 5: Most Amazing Year Ever.
Grade 6: Different school horrible year
Grade 7: Horrible
Grade 8: Well better but still the same things that made it horrible.
Even though it ended somewhat alright for me, maybe it was just my extremely positive attitude with it? I never had the friends at that school or even the normal environment that regular schools had and no matter how much I tried to distance my actual fun life away from my school life to make the best of it there were times my friends at school would make me realize how much I was actually missing. Grade 9 was a horrible year for me, I did more learning, crying and dating then I ever had but I think what stood out was, I wasn’t crying because of my school. Towards it I feel nothing. When I walk down the hallways there I feel like there’s so much more out there and that i’m just trapped.
So now that I finally decided to try and make a change for the first time in my life, its been disaster after disaster. My mother literally snapped when I told her, she has so so sooo many emotional problems of her owen and would never even think of seeking help well this defiantly triggered a “crazy attack” for her. The last week has been HELL to be around her, she bitches at me every 5 minuets. Because you know starting a new school because your daughter was unhappy to a point where she wants to kill herself is something you shouldn’t support at all. God forbid your daughter knows how to go after what she wants to make herself happy, something you’ll never have the guts to do. My other heart wrenching thing? The fact I meet Mr. Perfect who goes to my old school where I could have stalked him and attempted to be with him but no. I’m just trying to tell myself it meant nothing and even if you had a chance it wouldn’t have lasted long anyways. Besides iv noticed relationships have better chances when they go to different schools. And another huge huge thing that’s tearing me apart? The fact the school I was supposed go to had AMAZING courses. I was SO excited to take dance, drama and cosmo this semester because there things I love and knew I would ACE. The new school only offers drama and the rest of the courses I would have to take would be ones I hate and would end up failing. Like I wont have enough to worry about with science and math. Another thing is id have to move into my grandparents house for the majority of the week where I would get no space, forced to live in a small room, have food shoved down me every second, be told to study and the worst of all have them hover around my friends attempting to talk to them and have them spy on my EVER move. Chances of me having a boyfriend I can make out with on the couch every Friday night? Looking pretty slim right now.
But for as to WHY I want to change. I want a group of friends I can hang out with at the mall after school, a group of friends I sit with at lunch everyday. The group that goes to the movies all the time together who are really close and care about each other. I want to be able to hang around the Abercrombie girls and fit in, to be like everyone else. I don’t exactly know how Into such a werid social category at my old school but I know I don’t like it. With my one friend iv seen at that school I know I can have the life I want there. Just for the actsaul school part, it would be hell. (top that off with NO CELL PHONES IN SCHOOL)
Right now i’m not meeting with the school to get in until Thursday. If they don’t let me in after tons of arguing I’m going to accept that I belong at my old school. Sure ill be disappointed as hell that I wont have the friends I was dreaming about but at least I can have some courses I’m dying to take. Really I guess iv just come to a point where I believe whatever happens is for the best, it’ll be what makes me most happy because I have to believe that don’t I? And if I didn’t what would I be able to do?